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HENRY ROLLINS EXISTED, BUT NOW HE DOES NOT. I NO LONGER TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY.

In Articles, Rants, Uncategorized on August 24, 2014 at 3:21 pm

Brandon Toh, a guy who existed. A lot.

Brandon Toh, a guy who existed. A lot.

I’m pretty sure Henry Rollins just said the stupidest, grossest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say about suicide—and I know a lot of assholes, so that’s really saying something.

“When someone commits this act, he or she is out of my analog world. I know they existed, yet they have nullified their existence because they willfully removed themselves from life. They were real but now they are not…I no longer take this person seriously. I may be able to appreciate what he or she did artistically but it’s impossible to feel bad for them.” -Henry Rollins for LA Weekly (I’m not linking to this article, because it sucks. I’m sure you can find it if you want to with “the Google.”)

This guy? Not so much.

This guy? Not so much.

Rollins posted these and other idiotic statements about suicide last week in an “edgy” article for LA Weekly called “Fuck Suicide,” condemning Robin Williams and anyone else who has ever taken their own life. Henry Rollins is a lucky guy. He’ll never understand suicide. I sure wish I didn’t. I don’t have that luxury—and I’m not alone.

My friend Brandon killed himself two years ago. He wasn’t my best friend. He was just a really fucking cool, kind, generous, compassionate, funny, intelligent guy that I was lucky to know. He was someone I worked with about 15 or 20 times in the six years that I worked at the suicide prevention hotline—yes, THAT suicide prevention hotline—the one that everyone and his brother posted on Facebook after Robin Williams killed himself. Working at that hotline was the most profound experience of my life, in large part because I got to work with people like Brandon. He was a lovely person.

Brandon helped more people than I or he or his family will ever know. I watched him do it. I heard him do it. I talked to many callers who told me that they meant no offense to me, but that they’d really prefer to talk to Brandon instead because he was the only person who had ever made them feel safe and understood. We worked the overnight shifts together. You get to know someone in a special kind of way when you’re sitting up at 3:30am waiting for the next crisis call to roll in.

He was a musician—a really good one—like, a WAY better one than Henry Rollins. And he was a good cook. I remember the skewers and potstickers he cooked up for everyone at our annual picnic one year. And he was SO funny. I remember one night he told me about how his high school band wrote and recorded a thrash metal song called “Donna Martin Graduates” about the epic civil disobedience episode of the original “Beverly Hills, 90210.” I laughed so hard when I heard it, I cried. He was such a joyful, laugh-inducing person.

Brandon was very talented (unlike Henry Rollins), but more than anything else he was compassionate and kind (also unlike Henry Rollins.) He did more for the world in his 38 years on Earth than Henry Rollins’ terrible music and pretentious douchebag poetry ever did. I’d bet my life on it.

I heard Brandon pour out empathy to the loneliest, most desperate people in the world. It welled out of him like a fountain of goodness. It’s a special gift to be able to do that.

I watched him speak with eloquence, grace, courage and kindness as he trained other counselors who hoped to give relief to other suicidal callers in crisis. I never heard him judge anyone. I never heard him make anyone feel like shit about themselves. And, again, unlike Henry Rollins, I never heard him try to speak with authority on things that he knew absolutely nothing about. I always liked him. Everyone did. How could you not like Brandon? He was goodness personified.

Brandon valiantly fought a battle against bipolar disorder for about 20 years before he hung himself. When he was educating others about suicide, he would sometimes hold up a massive Ziploc bag of pill bottles, explaining, bluntly and bravely: “These are my meds.” He fought hard. And, obviously, he suffered much harder.

Rollins ended his clickbait diatribe by saying that people like Robin Williams and Brandon and everyone else who has ever considered suicide have just “gotta hang in there”—for the sake of people who died too young, before they wanted to. I challenge Henry Rollins to live the rest of his life, not for himself, but for random people he’s never met and knows nothing about and that have nothing to do with him. I’m guessing he couldn’t do it—nor should he want to. It was a stupid statement. No one can live their lives for someone they’ve never met and have no connection to. It was a sickeningly ignorant thing for him to say.

Henry Rollins is such a lucky guy. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get it SO MUCH that he can actually feel contempt for people who suffered horribly, and died alone. I never heard Brandon shit on anyone whose life he didn’t understand. He didn’t do that, because unlike Henry Rollins, he wasn’t a self-absorbed douchebag who lived just to hear himself talk.

Brandon was a real person. He existed. And I will always take him seriously.

Eat a dick Henry Rollins.

Donate to the Suicide Prevention Center Hotline in honor of Brandon Toh here: http://events.didihirsch.org/site/PageServer

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Magicallladies: Is This Your Card?

In Groundlings Theater, Videos on April 16, 2014 at 1:27 pm

magicallladies screenshot

Remember the 90s? Back in the days before the internet became the world’s ultimate porn machine? Back in the day, our ancestors had to actually pick up the phone and pay $5.99/minute (other fees may apply) if they wanted to indulge in their ultimate sex fantasy with a stranger.

May I present the latest installment of “The Lady Series” starring myself and famous actress Kirstin Eggers as two of the most magical phone sex line scam artists in the business. TA DAAAAAAAAAAA!:

How Dry Are You?

In Groundlings Theater, Videos on March 17, 2014 at 3:32 pm
Kirstin Eggers, Kate Reinders and Liz Brown.

Kirstin Eggers, Kate Reinders and Liz Brown.

I’m pleased to announce that “The Body Hour” is no longer a stage sketch. It’s a real live YouTube video! Kirstin Eggers and I wrote this one at The Groundlings and she happens to know a fabulous director (Andy Viner) and cinematographer (Chuck DeRosa) that made it look friggin’ amazing! Special thanks to our model Jodi (Kate Reinders). And yes, we’re all still trying to wipe off this 99 Cents Only store lotion six weeks after shooting.

But wait! There’s more! Well, not yet, but there are a whole bunch of videos in various stages of production that I’m pretty psyched to be a part of coming down the pipe. Subscribe to Horseshoe Comedy on YouTube now to stay updated on our latest releases and check out “The Body Hour” below:

Taboo Tales – The Podcast: Episode 3 featuring Liz Brown and ‘The Puffer’

In Memoir Essays, Performances on November 14, 2013 at 7:31 pm

High there. I read my “classic” tale of drug smuggling nearly gone awry for the very awesome “Taboo Tales” podcast. Ch-ch-check it out:

Episode 3 featuring Liz Brown.

taboo tales logo

Sentras and Sizzle-Lean: 7 Things That Changed Before the “Breaking Bad” Pilot Ever Aired

In Articles on September 26, 2013 at 6:22 pm

Breaking Bad

 

As the world prepares to feast on this weekend’s “Breaking Badseries finale, many are praising creator Vince Gilligan for delivering what may turn out to be the most celebrated, well-executed story arc in the history of television. He seems to have known absolutely everything that was going to happen, and has yet to drop the ball on a single twist or turn, leading some to believe he truly did have the entire story worked out on day one.

But, as Walt said in the pilot episode, chemistry isn’t just the study of matter, “it’s the study of change.” And there were plenty of things in the original script that became something else entirely. Here are the seven biggest abandoned ideas Gilligan wrote into the original pilot script. They’ll blow your mind harder than a snort of “the blue stuff.”

Read the full story on Medium.com

I Asked A Slave

In Videos on September 8, 2013 at 4:58 pm
Here I am, just another American idiot.

Here I am, just another American idiot.

I am truly honored to play one of the ignorant morons in the latest episode of the hottest web series on Earth right now: “Ask A Slave.”

Azie Marie Dungey got a gig playing a historical slave character giving tours at George Washington’s home Mount Vernon. The real questions she was asked by real live American idiots will blow your mind. I’m in the episode featured below, but you can watch the whole series on YouTube here

Knit Fit: A Terrible Photo of Me and My Family

In All in the Family on August 13, 2013 at 1:15 pm

After my grandmother spent a year making us gigantic matching sweaters, my sister, two cousins and I sat for what the four of us resoundingly agree is the worst picture ever taken of any of us. And yes. I am growing out my bangs. Thanks for noticing!

 

worst picture ever

Liz Brown in “Anchored” at The Groundlings Theater

In Groundlings Theater, Howard Stern, Videos on August 6, 2013 at 8:00 pm

I wrote and performed this in my Advanced show at the amazing Groundlings Theater in October 2012. It features the awesome Jennifer Winters and Andrew Delman on voiceover. If you’re a Howard Stern Show fan, you may recognize the hottie in the final slide as Benjy Bronk’s “Online Sweetheart” Elisa Jordana.

Dear Rolling Stone: Controversial articles are fine. Shitty reporting isn’t.

In Rants on July 17, 2013 at 8:01 pm

Rolling Stone’s “insightful” article is basically a collection of pasted together news reports from three months ago with ZERO new insights into what would make someone act like a truly evil shithead. It does quote a lot of people saying that they always had trouble pronouncing his name. A lot of them. So, that’s helpful.

It also includes THIS amazing, Pulitzer Prize worthy investigative reporting: “Much of what is known about the two years of Jahar’s life leading up to the bombing comes from random press interviews with students at UMass Dartmouth, none of whom seemed to have been particularly close with Jahar.”

If you’re going to break a bunch of people’s hearts by featuring a terrorist on the cover of your magazine in the name of journalistic integrity, you should probably make it a pretty fucking good article. And NOT one that ends with the line “nobody knows what he was crying about.” You were supposed to find out what he was crying about and tell us. Congrats Rolling Stone. You’re basically the new “Examiner.com”.‪#‎Fail‬

monkeypants boston

Liz Brown’s Comedy Reel

In Groundlings Theater, My Life and Shit, Rants, Videos on July 15, 2013 at 1:33 pm

liz brown comedy reel

Is it a “comedy reel”? Or are you supposed to call it an “acting reel”? But there’s writing in there too. I don’t get it.

Anyway, here it is!

 

 

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