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Rejection Retraction: I’m failing at failing

In My Life and Shit, Project Rejection, Uncategorized on February 2, 2016 at 8:00 pm

I’m an even bigger failure at failing than I thought. I celebrated the first month of Rejection Project 2016 this weekend by boasting that I’d already scored 2 rejection letters towards this year’s ultimate goal of 50. I was wrong.

nope button

I was sure one of the sketches I’d gotten rejected from the CBS Diversity Showcase was then rejected from a showcase for rejected sketches, which seemed, in a way, to be an especially impressive feat. Unfortunately, since my first posting, I’ve received a lovely note from one of the organizers rejecting my rejection from the rejected sketch showcase, alerting me that my proposed rejected sketch was never received. I never sent it. I left it in the “Drafts” folder of my mailbox. It may or may not have something to do with the fact that I have a full-grown human being about to crawl out of my body within the next few days to weeks. It’s called “baby brain”–a phenomenon in which a pregnant woman’s brains begin functioning with the clarity of a 5-year-old high on Whip-Its.

One of my two rejections–the more impressive one, quite frankly–has been rejected. I’m down to ONE MEASLY REJECTION out of 14 submissions for the month of January 2016. That means to meet my goal of 50 rejections this year, I’ll have to do about 60 submissions a month. After living for decades in fear of rejection, I now live in fear that there are literally not enough places on Earth for me to get rejected from so I can meet my goal.

It’s too early in the project to accept that I can’t achieve the level of rejection I aspire to. I won’t accept it. I reject it.

I. WILL. ACHIEVE. REJECTION. GREATNESS.

Read about Project Rejection 2016 here

achievement

Rejection Project Month 1 Report: 2 Down, 48 to Go

In My Life and Shit, Project Rejection on January 31, 2016 at 8:21 pm

thumbs down

 

I’m going to have to start working a lot harder at getting rejected. I am way behind.

At the beginning of 2016, I set a goal to acquire no less than 50 rejection letters for my writing over the course of this year. See the post here

I estimated I’d have to make at least 100 submissions to successfully rake in my required number of rebuffs. It turns out that was DUMB.  Fifteen times this month I’ve submitted articles, pilot scripts, comedy videos, sketches and novel queries this month and eagerly awaited a flood of email smackdowns. I’ve received a paltry TWO rejection letters.

One of them was from a fairly impressive website that rejected an extremely personal article I’ve been trying to get published for months. It wasn’t a total blow-off. The editor suggested some rewrite notes with her rejection and said I could send it back to her later on. And I did. Still waiting for another rejection on that one.

The second one was special. For the past three and a half months I’ve been pitching sketches for an industry showcase through CBS. By the end of the pitch process, ALL of my sketches were rejected, but my clever co-writers decided to put together a showcase of the rejected sketches, so I submitted one. And?

Yeah. It got rejected. From the rejected sketch showcase.

reject do not use

It feels like that should count for extra credit, right? But I’m not cheating. I want 50 REAL straight up rejections. I know I can do this.

It’s true I’m due to have a baby in less than two weeks, but I’m not going to let the creation of human life interfere with my rejection goals. I’m going to need to pull in at 4-5 rejection letters a month for the rest of the year if I want to reach my quota which means at this rate I’m going to need to do at least 30 submissions a month–about one a day. Maybe two a day so I can take off that day I’m actually squeezing out a baby.

giving birth rachel

Bring it on February,….

2016: The Year of Rejection

In My Life and Shit, Project Rejection on January 3, 2016 at 1:17 pm

rejection no 1

2016 is going to be a painful year, and not just because I plan to squeeze a giant baby out of my delicate lady parts sometime around Valentine’s Day. The pain of giving birth is supposed to be, like, “difficult” and stuff, but I have something potentially more excruciating planned for my new year. I am making 2016 into my “Ultimate Year of Rejection.”

I’m a writer. I’ve actually made a living doing it for a few of the greatest years of my life, but it’s not exactly an easy life to sustain. Over the past few years, most of my writing has been unpaid, for spec projects that I hope will one day become things people actually read or see on TV. I’ve got a novel (it’s dark but funny), two pilots (dark, but funny), a handful of articles (yup…dark/funny…OK one of them is JUST dark), and a massive clusterfuck of pitches and proposals that swirl around my brain with the furious intensity of a drunken Tasmanian Devil.

And this is the year every single one of them gets rejected by the whole world.

I can be a pretty negative person, but not this year. This year I’m actually seeking out the thing that has crushed my fragile little artsy soul for so many years of my life: rejection. Fear of rejection has had me cowering like an ill-treated pound puppy for most of my life.

I run from it. I lament it. I wail and tantrum over my lack of success and tell myself every “no” is a confirmation that I am a talentless nobody who should give up and leave the art to the people who actually have something worth saying. But this year is going to be different. This year I will find success in my failure because I’m going to fearlessly seek it out.

I am setting a goal to acquire 50 official rejection letters for my writing this year—articles, scripts, pitches, proposals, agent queries, publishing house pleas and contest courtships.

rejected image 2

It’s not going to be as easy as it sounds. You might think that I could just find 50 places to submit my work and just wait for the negativity to roll on in, but I’ve learned something profoundly sad over the past few years. Rejection letters aren’t always so easy to come by. Most places I’ve sought to place my work don’t even have the common courtesy to tell me to go fuck myself. They just ignore what I’ve sent them and never respond at all. So, to get 50 real rejection letters I estimate I’ll have to send out my work to at least 100 places—probably a lot more.

Now, instead of dreading checking my email inbox to find out if my hopes of writing superstardom have once again been dashed for the umpteenth time, I can eagerly await the joyful resounding “No’s” of national magazines, novel agents, network fellowships and literary agents and collect them all in a pretty little binder that I can flip through whenever I need to feel a sense of accomplishment.

It’s going to be a great year.

Oh, and I’m going to have a baby.

cute baby

Liz Brown 2015: Her Year in Numbers

In My Life and Shit, Rants, Uncategorized on December 31, 2015 at 9:38 pm

(NOTE: THIS LIST IS ALMOST ENTIRELY ACCURATE)

Prescription and non-prescription drugs given up: 6
Cats euthanized: 1
Human babies created: 0.85

preggers announcement
Panic attacks experienced: 103
Pounds gained: 37
Hours spent in the basement of CBS: 4,000
Pilot scripts completed: 2
Spec scripts completed: 1
Minutes of original stand-up written: 18
Dollars paid in student loan interest: $3358
Dollars paid to student loan principal: $337
Years left in debt for a degree I don’t use: 29
Articles published in the New York Times: 0
Novels rewritten: 1
Hours spent in individual therapy: 102
Hours spent in group therapy: 96
Puppets acquired: 2
Hours spent learning puppetry from the REAL ELMO KEVIN CLASH: 36

essence outside

Commercials booked: 0
Yoga classes taken: 79
Most baths taken in one day: 4
Weeks spent pregnant: 34
iPhones broken: 1
Pounds of pizza consumed: 6 (approximate)
Hours spent listening to Beastie Boys: 195
Viewings of “Breaking Bad” from beginning to end: 1
(Cumulative total of “Breaking Bad” full series viewings: 6)
Hours spent worrying about things completely beyond my control: 3,106
Tiny newborn baby bunny suits purchased: 1

gap sherpa bunny suit

Pairs of shoes purchased: 2
Minutes spent successfully meditating: 30
Hours spent on Facebook: 934

Thank you, and goodnight,…. ‪#‎HappyNewYear‬

Magicallladies: Is This Your Card?

In Groundlings Theater, Videos on April 16, 2014 at 1:27 pm

magicallladies screenshot

Remember the 90s? Back in the days before the internet became the world’s ultimate porn machine? Back in the day, our ancestors had to actually pick up the phone and pay $5.99/minute (other fees may apply) if they wanted to indulge in their ultimate sex fantasy with a stranger.

May I present the latest installment of “The Lady Series” starring myself and famous actress Kirstin Eggers as two of the most magical phone sex line scam artists in the business. TA DAAAAAAAAAAA!:

How Dry Are You?

In Groundlings Theater, Videos on March 17, 2014 at 3:32 pm
Kirstin Eggers, Kate Reinders and Liz Brown.

Kirstin Eggers, Kate Reinders and Liz Brown.

I’m pleased to announce that “The Body Hour” is no longer a stage sketch. It’s a real live YouTube video! Kirstin Eggers and I wrote this one at The Groundlings and she happens to know a fabulous director (Andy Viner) and cinematographer (Chuck DeRosa) that made it look friggin’ amazing! Special thanks to our model Jodi (Kate Reinders). And yes, we’re all still trying to wipe off this 99 Cents Only store lotion six weeks after shooting.

But wait! There’s more! Well, not yet, but there are a whole bunch of videos in various stages of production that I’m pretty psyched to be a part of coming down the pipe. Subscribe to Horseshoe Comedy on YouTube now to stay updated on our latest releases and check out “The Body Hour” below:

Taboo Tales – The Podcast: Episode 3 featuring Liz Brown and ‘The Puffer’

In Memoir Essays, Performances on November 14, 2013 at 7:31 pm

High there. I read my “classic” tale of drug smuggling nearly gone awry for the very awesome “Taboo Tales” podcast. Ch-ch-check it out:

Episode 3 featuring Liz Brown.

taboo tales logo

Sentras and Sizzle-Lean: 7 Things That Changed Before the “Breaking Bad” Pilot Ever Aired

In Articles on September 26, 2013 at 6:22 pm

Breaking Bad

 

As the world prepares to feast on this weekend’s “Breaking Badseries finale, many are praising creator Vince Gilligan for delivering what may turn out to be the most celebrated, well-executed story arc in the history of television. He seems to have known absolutely everything that was going to happen, and has yet to drop the ball on a single twist or turn, leading some to believe he truly did have the entire story worked out on day one.

But, as Walt said in the pilot episode, chemistry isn’t just the study of matter, “it’s the study of change.” And there were plenty of things in the original script that became something else entirely. Here are the seven biggest abandoned ideas Gilligan wrote into the original pilot script. They’ll blow your mind harder than a snort of “the blue stuff.”

Read the full story on Medium.com

I Asked A Slave

In Videos on September 8, 2013 at 4:58 pm
Here I am, just another American idiot.

Here I am, just another American idiot.

I am truly honored to play one of the ignorant morons in the latest episode of the hottest web series on Earth right now: “Ask A Slave.”

Azie Marie Dungey got a gig playing a historical slave character giving tours at George Washington’s home Mount Vernon. The real questions she was asked by real live American idiots will blow your mind. I’m in the episode featured below, but you can watch the whole series on YouTube here

Knit Fit: A Terrible Photo of Me and My Family

In All in the Family on August 13, 2013 at 1:15 pm

After my grandmother spent a year making us gigantic matching sweaters, my sister, two cousins and I sat for what the four of us resoundingly agree is the worst picture ever taken of any of us. And yes. I am growing out my bangs. Thanks for noticing!

 

worst picture ever

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