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5 Terrible Reasons I Want to Have Kids

In Hello Giggles articles on May 26, 2012 at 5:40 pm

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My biological clock is ticking for all the wrong reasons.

Most women my age are burning up with full-on baby fever. When you’re in your 30s, your baby making parts are supposed to be constantly screaming out: “Cook those eggs before they go bad!”

But all’s been quiet on my uterine front. I think babies are adorable. I just don’t want one of my own. I’d be lying if I said I never have doubts, though, especially when I consider all the amazing, special stuff I’m missing out on.

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I wrote a book. You can’t read it.

In Hello Giggles articles on January 6, 2012 at 2:56 pm

The warped pages stained with spilled coffee prove this novel is totes legit. You still can’t read it though.

I spent just over three years writing the first draft of my first novel ever: three hundred-ish pages of dark comedy, darker tragedy and real life experiences thinly veiled in fiction.

I was preening like a kitten when I finished it this fall. I even thought of a really great last scene – and the perfect closing line. It was a totally fulfilling, empowering experience. I had done it. It was only a matter of time before I’d be crowned America’s newest contemporary literary genius. Once published, my dark, comic tale of a fragile heroine ravaged by cruelty of life’s day-to-day grind would become an underground hit. Then Oprah would read it and immediately announce she was coming out of retirement for the sole purpose of reviving her Book Club just to share my genius. (YOU’RE getting a Pulitzer Prize and YOU’RE getting a Pulitzer Prize and YOU’RE getting a Pulitzer Prize!)

I felt like pretty hot stuff.

“I finished my NOOOOOOOOOO-VEL,” I’d tell friends when they asked what I’d been up to. I said it in a snotty, self-mocking tone  proving I knew how pretentious it sounded. Secretly though, I didn’t care if I seemed like a braggart.  I wrote a novel. I felt entitled to boast a little. I’d spent hundreds of hours staring out windows, crying over lack of inspiration, reading excerpts at my weekly writing group, staring out windows again and, of course, actually writing. And then, finally, it was done. It had seemed like an insurmountable task, but I had surmounted it.  I was an inspiration to aspiring novelists everywhere.

“That is SO AWESOME, Liz!” said my best friend. “I’m so proud of you! Can I read it?”

That shut me up pretty quick. You could almost hear the sound of my self-satisfied smirk melting away, like ice going soft and collapsing at the bottom of an old fountain soda cup. Flurp.

“No, you can’t read it,” I said, annoyed.

She looked confused.

“No one can read it,” I said. “It’s a first draft!”

“Oh,” she said. “That’s okay! I don’t care!”

“No!” I fumed. “It’s not… readable!”

It was the first time I’d even admitted it to myself. I wrote a book, but I couldn’t give it to anyone to read. It was a mess. There were dozens of pages of alternate story lines in there that I wasn’t using anymore. My main character had every job from psychiatrist to product tester when I was still figuring out who she was. There’s stuff I wrote in there three years ago that makes absolutely no sense with the brilliant ending that I wrote in September. If anyone opened up my “book” right now and started reading, they’d be seriously confused, and not in a cool ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ way. I’d rather eat all three-hundred pages of my book one by one than let my closest friend read it, let alone a legitimate editor or publisher. If Oprah and Gayle’s car broke down in front of my house right this second and the ladies asked me for something compelling to read while they waited for a tow truck, I couldn’t give them my moldy old orange binder half-filled with genius and half-filled with miserable junk.

Then I remembered that old adage: “Writing is rewriting.”

Vomit.

So, I guess I didn’t write a book after all–not yet. Once I finish this next draft, though, I’ll definitely have written a book – when I can give it to someone to read.

Back to staring out the window and crying for a couple more months. Times a-wastin’ and Oprah’s ill-fated Chevy Impala could be right around the corner.

Man,…Liz’s neighborhood is kind of sketch. Anyone got a Wally Lamb novel on hand?

Point of No Returns: How I Got Past My Fear of the Exchange Counter

In Hello Giggles articles on December 23, 2011 at 1:05 am

I’m afraid to return things I buy.

I’d rather pay good money for a bad purchase than risk the public meltdown that goes along with a trip to the Returns & Exchanges counter.

I used to return things a long time ago—until a very ugly incident with some very ugly sweaters. I’d received three oversized, old-lady cardigans as a Christmas gift and got the bright idea that since the tags were still attached and they came from a nationwide retailer, I could trade them in for something better fitting and less apt to get me invited to Saturday night Bingo at the local assisted living facility.

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