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Archive for the ‘Rants’ Category

I’m in “Good Housekeeping” for My ‘Ingratitude List’

In Articles, Memoir Essays, Rants on August 9, 2017 at 6:21 pm

“Good Housekeeping” featured my article: Gratitude Lists Are B.S.: It Was an ‘Ingratitude’ List That Saved Me this past weekend, right under an article about five new exciting ways to cook chicken breast!

 

Read the article here

Give me a book deal by writing me here

INGRATITUDE LIST PHOTO

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I’m on Marie Claire for My Big Lazy Eye

In Articles, My Life and Shit, Rants on April 3, 2017 at 3:27 pm

I’ve got my first legit “beauty” piece published. It’s a memoir piece about all of the ways I tried to hide my lazy eye growing up and how it still haunts me as an adult!

Diary of a Lazy Eye: The Surprising Story of Fixing My Face

I’m currently working on a full length book proposal based on this piece. You can contact me about this or other questions or projects at lalizzire@yahoo.com

marie claire lazy eye

Rejection Project, Month 3 Report: 133% Success Rate

In Project Rejection, Rants, writing on April 3, 2016 at 4:19 pm

If you’re new to my blog, you can read about my 2016 Rejection Project here

It’s officially spring. Fresh flowers and rejection letters are a-bloomin’ everywhere.

spring flowers

March 2016 was an intense month for me. After the initial post-birth adrenaline wore off some time in late February, the realities of caring for a tiny, helpless human set in this month and my greatest creative fears were realized. While I did successfully accomplish keeping a small person alive, fed, cleaned, and emotionally nurtured, my creative writing accomplishments dwindled down to near nonexistence–as did my rejection letter pursuits. Three days before the end of the month, I decided to glance at my submission log to see how many I’d cranked out in March, thinking I was behind and had only submitted about ten.

I’d done TWO. I submitted TWO things.

two pic

And I’d received THREE rejection letters from things I’d submitted last month.

rejection letter.jpg

I looked down at the 10 pound, bald, pheromone secreting cutie pie suckling at my boob, and flashed forward to myself 30 years down the  still living in the same one-bedroom apartment and sobbing “My career,…my CA-REEEEEEERRRR!!!” It was clearly all over for me. All those evil “friends” and “mental health clinicians” telling me to back off and take it easy in the wake of my newfound motherhood had won. I had stopped working my ass off on writing. I was officially just a milk machine/nanny and any hopes of having my work seen and praised by anyone besides my mom was out of the question.

I half-heartedly sent out one more novel query and received a form letter rejection the next day.

Three submissions. Four rejection letters, bringing my total number of “nos” for the year to seven. I was 25% of the way through the year and about 15% of the way to my goal. And I hadn’t written anything new in weeks.

I took a few valuable moments to stare into space and reflect on my lack of creative direction, my lack of inspiration, my lack of productivity, my lack of a sense of purpose, and my desire to beat anyone who tells me that “being a mother is the greatest purpose of all” with a baseball bat. Then I cried a little.

But April showers sometimes bring May flowers.

I’m working on two articles, a spec script and a punch up project now. And my goal is to submit 20 times this month.

And, yes, I know….I know…my baby is the cutest most precious thing on Earth. No,…seriously…I KNOW…

john and liz peanut

OK,…FIIIIIINE,…you’re my greatest creation of all. FINE….

 

Liz Brown 2015: Her Year in Numbers

In My Life and Shit, Rants, Uncategorized on December 31, 2015 at 9:38 pm

(NOTE: THIS LIST IS ALMOST ENTIRELY ACCURATE)

Prescription and non-prescription drugs given up: 6
Cats euthanized: 1
Human babies created: 0.85

preggers announcement
Panic attacks experienced: 103
Pounds gained: 37
Hours spent in the basement of CBS: 4,000
Pilot scripts completed: 2
Spec scripts completed: 1
Minutes of original stand-up written: 18
Dollars paid in student loan interest: $3358
Dollars paid to student loan principal: $337
Years left in debt for a degree I don’t use: 29
Articles published in the New York Times: 0
Novels rewritten: 1
Hours spent in individual therapy: 102
Hours spent in group therapy: 96
Puppets acquired: 2
Hours spent learning puppetry from the REAL ELMO KEVIN CLASH: 36

essence outside

Commercials booked: 0
Yoga classes taken: 79
Most baths taken in one day: 4
Weeks spent pregnant: 34
iPhones broken: 1
Pounds of pizza consumed: 6 (approximate)
Hours spent listening to Beastie Boys: 195
Viewings of “Breaking Bad” from beginning to end: 1
(Cumulative total of “Breaking Bad” full series viewings: 6)
Hours spent worrying about things completely beyond my control: 3,106
Tiny newborn baby bunny suits purchased: 1

gap sherpa bunny suit

Pairs of shoes purchased: 2
Minutes spent successfully meditating: 30
Hours spent on Facebook: 934

Thank you, and goodnight,…. ‪#‎HappyNewYear‬

Dear Rolling Stone: Controversial articles are fine. Shitty reporting isn’t.

In Rants on July 17, 2013 at 8:01 pm

Rolling Stone’s “insightful” article is basically a collection of pasted together news reports from three months ago with ZERO new insights into what would make someone act like a truly evil shithead. It does quote a lot of people saying that they always had trouble pronouncing his name. A lot of them. So, that’s helpful.

It also includes THIS amazing, Pulitzer Prize worthy investigative reporting: “Much of what is known about the two years of Jahar’s life leading up to the bombing comes from random press interviews with students at UMass Dartmouth, none of whom seemed to have been particularly close with Jahar.”

If you’re going to break a bunch of people’s hearts by featuring a terrorist on the cover of your magazine in the name of journalistic integrity, you should probably make it a pretty fucking good article. And NOT one that ends with the line “nobody knows what he was crying about.” You were supposed to find out what he was crying about and tell us. Congrats Rolling Stone. You’re basically the new “Examiner.com”.‪#‎Fail‬

monkeypants boston

Liz Brown’s Comedy Reel

In Groundlings Theater, My Life and Shit, Rants, Videos on July 15, 2013 at 1:33 pm

liz brown comedy reel

Is it a “comedy reel”? Or are you supposed to call it an “acting reel”? But there’s writing in there too. I don’t get it.

Anyway, here it is!

 

 

Tom Petty Thought for the Day

In Rants on May 17, 2013 at 8:28 am

I can’t afford a shrink anymore, but Tom Petty is a high quality substitute:

 

 

 

 

10 non-hoodie outfits black and Latino youngsters should wear to appear less threatening

In Rants on March 25, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Geraldo Rivera  made a statement on Friday, “urging the parents of black and Latino youngsters particularly not to let their children go out wearing hoodies. I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin‘s death as much as George Zimmerman was.”

He later tweeted:

“Its not blaming the victim Its common sense-look like a gangsta&some armed schmuck will take you at your word…It’s just part of the undeniably unfair reality of young male black/brown life”.

This got me thinking. WHY can’t black and Latino men stop wearing such scary threatening clothes? Do they just not know how?  What SHOULD young black and Latino men be wearing to appear less threatening when they go out to purchase a pack of Skittles?

Hoodies are out. Anything black is out. And NO GANG COLORS! So, depending on what city you live in, that means no red, blue, green, yellow or purple.

Orange is cool. Not a gang color. Stick to orange, and no one will ever mistake you for a dangerous felon.

SHIT! NO! WAIT! NOT ORANGE!!!

Let’s face it. For young black and Latino men to appear less threatening, it’s not just about color. Any traditional modern day garb can easily be mistaken for a hoodie in the heat of a stand-your-ground moment. They’re going to have to kick it up a notch.

Here are ten helpful suggestions for attire all young men of color should now considering wearing when they’re heading out to 7-11 for a Twix. They may not be comfortable, but they’ll make it pretty clear you’re something OTHER than a gangster. What’s the alternative? Arresting trigger happy vigilantes who shoot kids like Trayvon Martin because they’re wearing a hoodie? (Sidenote: Yes. That is the alternative.)

1. Vulcan costume – Geraldo literally tweeted: “most minority moms back me because they want their sons to live long and prosper”. Dressing Vulcan 24-7 is the “logical” next step.

2. Space suit – NO one is threatened by astronauts in space suits, because we KNOW that you can only run in slow motion. Not threatening.

3. Tuxedo with tails – How often do you hear about someone wearing a tuxedo with tails getting shot? I’m just saying. Name ONE time.

4. Wayne Brady mask – Even a few super racist people like Wayne Brady. The problem with this one is, your Zimmermans of the world aren’t looking that closely, so it also helps to couple this mask with a flashing neon t-shirt that reads “DON’T SHOOT. I’M WAYNE BRADY.”

5. Stilts – You can literally “rise above” the racial injustice.

 

6. Philly Phanatic costume – Confusing, yes. Threatening, no.

7.The Magical Mr. Mistoffelees from ‘Cats’ – OK,…wait. No. This one is kind of threatening. Scratch that!

8.  Valet Uniform – A great way to prove you have a good reason to be in an upper middle class neighborhood even though you’re “ethnic”

9. Chiquita banana costume – Just a personal favorite. And, also, non-threatening.

If all above attempts, fail:

10. Suit of Armor – Sure, it’s a little bit heavy, but…fuck it. You should probably just stop leaving the house.