thelizbrownshow

Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

Staying Positive With Howard & Liz Is a Podcast on Fire

In Uncategorized on April 2, 2017 at 1:35 pm

After a stunningly brief Season 2, Howard and Liz have recharged and revitalized the number one fake self-help podcast in the country with discussion of polytherapy, introversion, insomnia, anxiety, suicide, and, of course, MED CHECKS. You can listen to and download all of our episodes here:

Staying Positive With Howard and Liz

staying positive logo2

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Rejection Project Month 1 Report: 2 Down, 48 to Go

In My Life and Shit, Project Rejection on January 31, 2016 at 8:21 pm

thumbs down

 

I’m going to have to start working a lot harder at getting rejected. I am way behind.

At the beginning of 2016, I set a goal to acquire no less than 50 rejection letters for my writing over the course of this year. See the post here

I estimated I’d have to make at least 100 submissions to successfully rake in my required number of rebuffs. It turns out that was DUMB.  Fifteen times this month I’ve submitted articles, pilot scripts, comedy videos, sketches and novel queries this month and eagerly awaited a flood of email smackdowns. I’ve received a paltry TWO rejection letters.

One of them was from a fairly impressive website that rejected an extremely personal article I’ve been trying to get published for months. It wasn’t a total blow-off. The editor suggested some rewrite notes with her rejection and said I could send it back to her later on. And I did. Still waiting for another rejection on that one.

The second one was special. For the past three and a half months I’ve been pitching sketches for an industry showcase through CBS. By the end of the pitch process, ALL of my sketches were rejected, but my clever co-writers decided to put together a showcase of the rejected sketches, so I submitted one. And?

Yeah. It got rejected. From the rejected sketch showcase.

reject do not use

It feels like that should count for extra credit, right? But I’m not cheating. I want 50 REAL straight up rejections. I know I can do this.

It’s true I’m due to have a baby in less than two weeks, but I’m not going to let the creation of human life interfere with my rejection goals. I’m going to need to pull in at 4-5 rejection letters a month for the rest of the year if I want to reach my quota which means at this rate I’m going to need to do at least 30 submissions a month–about one a day. Maybe two a day so I can take off that day I’m actually squeezing out a baby.

giving birth rachel

Bring it on February,….

2016: The Year of Rejection

In My Life and Shit, Project Rejection on January 3, 2016 at 1:17 pm

rejection no 1

2016 is going to be a painful year, and not just because I plan to squeeze a giant baby out of my delicate lady parts sometime around Valentine’s Day. The pain of giving birth is supposed to be, like, “difficult” and stuff, but I have something potentially more excruciating planned for my new year. I am making 2016 into my “Ultimate Year of Rejection.”

I’m a writer. I’ve actually made a living doing it for a few of the greatest years of my life, but it’s not exactly an easy life to sustain. Over the past few years, most of my writing has been unpaid, for spec projects that I hope will one day become things people actually read or see on TV. I’ve got a novel (it’s dark but funny), two pilots (dark, but funny), a handful of articles (yup…dark/funny…OK one of them is JUST dark), and a massive clusterfuck of pitches and proposals that swirl around my brain with the furious intensity of a drunken Tasmanian Devil.

And this is the year every single one of them gets rejected by the whole world.

I can be a pretty negative person, but not this year. This year I’m actually seeking out the thing that has crushed my fragile little artsy soul for so many years of my life: rejection. Fear of rejection has had me cowering like an ill-treated pound puppy for most of my life.

I run from it. I lament it. I wail and tantrum over my lack of success and tell myself every “no” is a confirmation that I am a talentless nobody who should give up and leave the art to the people who actually have something worth saying. But this year is going to be different. This year I will find success in my failure because I’m going to fearlessly seek it out.

I am setting a goal to acquire 50 official rejection letters for my writing this year—articles, scripts, pitches, proposals, agent queries, publishing house pleas and contest courtships.

rejected image 2

It’s not going to be as easy as it sounds. You might think that I could just find 50 places to submit my work and just wait for the negativity to roll on in, but I’ve learned something profoundly sad over the past few years. Rejection letters aren’t always so easy to come by. Most places I’ve sought to place my work don’t even have the common courtesy to tell me to go fuck myself. They just ignore what I’ve sent them and never respond at all. So, to get 50 real rejection letters I estimate I’ll have to send out my work to at least 100 places—probably a lot more.

Now, instead of dreading checking my email inbox to find out if my hopes of writing superstardom have once again been dashed for the umpteenth time, I can eagerly await the joyful resounding “No’s” of national magazines, novel agents, network fellowships and literary agents and collect them all in a pretty little binder that I can flip through whenever I need to feel a sense of accomplishment.

It’s going to be a great year.

Oh, and I’m going to have a baby.

cute baby

Liz Brown 2015: Her Year in Numbers

In My Life and Shit, Rants, Uncategorized on December 31, 2015 at 9:38 pm

(NOTE: THIS LIST IS ALMOST ENTIRELY ACCURATE)

Prescription and non-prescription drugs given up: 6
Cats euthanized: 1
Human babies created: 0.85

preggers announcement
Panic attacks experienced: 103
Pounds gained: 37
Hours spent in the basement of CBS: 4,000
Pilot scripts completed: 2
Spec scripts completed: 1
Minutes of original stand-up written: 18
Dollars paid in student loan interest: $3358
Dollars paid to student loan principal: $337
Years left in debt for a degree I don’t use: 29
Articles published in the New York Times: 0
Novels rewritten: 1
Hours spent in individual therapy: 102
Hours spent in group therapy: 96
Puppets acquired: 2
Hours spent learning puppetry from the REAL ELMO KEVIN CLASH: 36

essence outside

Commercials booked: 0
Yoga classes taken: 79
Most baths taken in one day: 4
Weeks spent pregnant: 34
iPhones broken: 1
Pounds of pizza consumed: 6 (approximate)
Hours spent listening to Beastie Boys: 195
Viewings of “Breaking Bad” from beginning to end: 1
(Cumulative total of “Breaking Bad” full series viewings: 6)
Hours spent worrying about things completely beyond my control: 3,106
Tiny newborn baby bunny suits purchased: 1

gap sherpa bunny suit

Pairs of shoes purchased: 2
Minutes spent successfully meditating: 30
Hours spent on Facebook: 934

Thank you, and goodnight,…. ‪#‎HappyNewYear‬

The 5 most fearless women in comedy today

In Articles on April 10, 2013 at 5:16 pm

stand up mic

 

I’m the newest blogger for LifeStyleDaily.com! Check out my first feature, “The 5 Most Fearless Women in Comedy”:

Comedy is scary. Making an audience laugh means getting inside their heads and surprising them with aggressive, brutal honesty. It is, by no means, a ladylike endeavor. Maybe that’s why female comediennes have been running up against the old cliché that women aren’t funny since the first cavegirl stepped up on stage to deliver her set at a prehistoric open mic night.

In 2013, the old adage that comedy is a man’s game seems less relevant than ever. Slowly but surely, funny women are elbowing their way into some of the most coveted positions in the world of wit, and they all have one thing in common: they are fearless.

Read the full article on LifeStyleDaily.com

Fastest Cycle in the West: A Period Piece

In Uncategorized on July 31, 2011 at 4:28 pm

I’ve been slow at a lot of things in my life. I had my first kiss when I was 17, graduated college when I was 25 and figured out what I wanted to do with my life at 32.  There’s one area, though, where I know I’ve got most of other women my age beat. I get my period every 21 days. That’s the shortest menstrual cycle allowed by law.

Read the rest on HelloGiggles.com

On the Cougar Cusp

In Uncategorized on June 28, 2011 at 8:13 am

My 35th birthday is coming up and there’s only one thing I’m asking for: move the minimum age for calling a woman a “cougar” up to 36.

Last week, while searching for non-explicit euphemisms to describe ‘Real Housewives’ cast members, I stumbled across the Urban Dictionary definition for “cougar” and found myself gutted by this definition:

“Cougar: Noun. A 35+ year old female who is on the “hunt” for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male.”

35. That’s me in a month. I’m not ready to be a cougar. I didn’t think it would happen this soon.  I thought you had to be at least forty. I thought I had more time.

I’ve lived in Hollywood for almost ten years and I’ve never once considered lying about my age before now. I’m a terrible liar and I don’t think there’s anything that makes you look older or more pathetic  than getting busted for lying about your age (except maybe wearing a mock turtleneck).  It just seemed like more hassle than it was worth—until I found out that I was on the Cougar Cusp.

Now, suddenly, I feel compelled to start whiting out the dates on old baby pictures and bribing my high school friends to un-tag me in graduation photos on Facebook.

I read on:

“Cougars can be single or married,…”

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

So you’re telling me it doesn’t even matter that my husband “put a ring on it”? If I happen to be at a stand-up gig and I’m spotted offering basic Hollywood survival advice to some 20-something man-child right off the bus from Kansas who doesn’t even know he’s gay yet—I could be labeled a COUGAR?

I resent the label. I eschew it!

I don’t want to be a cougar. I have my reasons and they stem from a pretty significant childhood attachment.

The first ever true love of my life was Jack Tripper on ‘Three’s Company’.  I was 6-years-old, and there was no one in the world I hated seeing grab at my man than that skanky cougar Lana Shields. She was the only woman on the show that Jack absolutely refused to touch—because she was an annoying, pesky, undesirable old cougar.

Lana Shields: the dreaded cougar.

I may be more grown up now, but psychologists say the archetypes we learn in early childhood can stay with us are whole lives. I can’t help thinking that if I’m really about to become a cougar then the only guy who’s going to find me attractive is someone resembling Don Knotts as Mr. Furley.

Of course, a pro-cougar advocate might argue that I’ve completely misinterpreted the entire cougar concept—that cougars are empowered females who are experienced, savvy women that younger men love because they can teach them about life, sex and success.

But if that’s the case, then that’s not me either. I just BARELY figured out what I want to do with my life. I spend my paydays debating whether to try to keep my student loan out of default or pay a mechanic to investigate the cause behind “Check Engine” light on my 2002 Mazda Protégé. I’ve NEVER taken any of my cats to have their teeth cleaned, I still don’t know how to put make-up on, I just barely got over all those people torturing me in junior high school and I don’t know any weird sex moves.

On paper I’m like 20.

I have no wisdom to impart to a younger generation of “willing to do anything” males. (And are they REALLY willing to do anything? Does that include picking up a box of Monistat 7 and some tampons if my seductive and wise cougar-gina is having an off day?)

36 needs to be the absolute minimum age for cougar—so there’s at least one full adult life span between me and an 18-year-old before I’m considered so aged and decrepit that I have to feed off the blood of the young like one of the less hot vampires on ‘True Blood’? Please?

Let’s get that age bumped up to 36 people. We’ve got less than a month to go before I’m relegated to wandering up and down the Sunset Strip in search of fresh, young man meat. Do it for the children. Or, if you’re a woman, do it for yourself.  Mr. Furley is lurking right around the corner.

Only Mr. Furley wants me now,....